Sunday, November 26, 2006

"I learned it by watching you!" Commercial

This is the single greatest commercial of all time. No one born before 1980 can say they haven't repeated the key phrase from this anti-drug promo spot, and if they do say that, they're probably full of it and on drugs. You'll probably watch it more than once. If you don't you should.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Steven Spielberg Screenwriter Lost at Sea!

I recently published a post titled "Steven Spielberg's Email Address" with the intent of capturing traffic of many ambitious (if not slightly naive) hopefuls who desire to become the Big Man's penpal/internet collaborator. (As if Spielberg has nothing better to do than receive mail from high schools student in Kabul with dreams of penning "E.T. 2 - The Quest for Bin Laden" in which E.T. returns to Earth to use his glowing heart to rid the world of terror and hunt down Osama Bin Laden. But I digress...)

This article has succeeded in its goal to capture and properly make fun of these idealist, so says the traffic statistics that I receive for this blog. The statistics site that I use also has a feature that provides a "hit map" which shows a Google Map of the world and pin points the location on the map for each visit I receive to the website and which article(s) that visitor viewed.

As you can see, this little blog is now a worldwide sensation, receiving hits from Europe, India, Africa, Saudi Arabia and many other places that hate the United States (like Florida for example). (Ah, but they like my that's a start.) I am sure that a book deal must certainly be on the horizon with this sort of global traffic. I'm sure that Steven Spielberg will soon want to make a movie about this website and how great it is. (But again...I steer back to my point.)

Imagine my surprise and concern for human welfare when I discovered the location of this visitor to my site:
This person is clearly several hundred miles off the coast of Africa, yet they had the good sense to visit my website to seek an audience with the great Steven Spielberg. (They must have fantastic wireless service...) What conditions must this poor screenwriter be suffering as they attempt to find a contact email for Mr. Spielberg in their desperate desire to bring their vision to the silver screen before they are greeted by their certain doom, and consumed by the sea. Their message in a bottle is not a cry for help, but rather a gripping sequel to "The Color Purple" (perhaps titled "The Color Purple: Even Purpler") that will solidify their legacy in the world forever.

There is also a very strong chance that it is Brad and Angelina's Noah's Arc-like Yacht attempting to contact Spielberg to negotiate a film deal, as they head back to the states after capturing hundreds of African children, forcing them from their homes and families and intent on subjugated them to a life of paparazzi photos, over-priced boutique children's clothes and an army of nannies the size of Canada's military. (Relax everyone: that's only like 15 nannies).

Monday, August 14, 2006

Alert the Media: Boy George Sweeps a Gutter

This morning in New York City, Boy George (80's "Culture Club" singer) began his five day community service for some civil infraction. If you actually care about the details, take a look at the article. It seems the purpose of the media attention to this "non-event" is of course to humiliate Boy George. However, it has had the opposite affect on me. I think it humiliates our media to a far greater degree:

The image is so bizarre to see a crowd of reporters, stacked several people deep, with dozens of cameras pointed a man sweeping a street in an orange vest. If only all community service contributors were provided such attention, I suppose we'd see an increase in DUIs across the country. At any rate, I find this sort of "empty" news to be a waste of a front page headline, when there are so many more important things the world should be informed about. (It was the feature story on Yahoo, news). How embarrassing.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Steven Spielberg's Email Address

**If you are looking for Steven Spielberg's contact info, you've come to the right place... but first, I need to make fun of you for a second. Consider it my "fee" for providing the information. Please read on..."

Notice the catchy title to this post? Its sole purpose is to attract the search results of millions of delusional goof balls out there who think they're going to search the internet for Spielberg's email address, then email him their script of "Indiana Jones 4".

You may briefly think that the sweet innocence of such a presumptuous maneuver is sort of "cute". However, that feeling of sympathy should be fleeting, or non-existent if the person is any older than, say-- six years old. Any older than that and you have a duty to make fun of them.

Take the hilarious example below that I came across, which illustrates the technique to perfection:

(click image to view larger)

This young man has no excuse. He's 14 and should know better. He only has four short years until he's allowed to vote, so let's hope he gets his head screwed on a little tighter before then. Just think, in less than 24 months of that post little Andrew could be behind the wheel of a car making decisions.

But shame on me. Let's not make fun of the children. They are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. So to any parents who say I should not mock a 14 year old's dreams, regardless of his complete lack of common sense, I provide the following public service:

Anyone interested in having Steven Spielberg direct a couple of their movies, should get a talent agent and have them send your script to the following address:

Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Blvd
Beverly Hills, CA 90212, USA

Phone: 310.288.4545
Fax.: 310.288.4800

If that doesn't work, try:

Amblin Entertainment, Inc.
100 Universal Plaza, #477
Universal City, CA 91608, USA

Phone: 818.733.7000

If Spielberg still says no after all that effort, it's a lost cause. You'd better call up Rowland Emmerich. He'll direct just about anything.

p.s.- On second thought, forget Spielberg. Go to the below link to have a look at a REAL movie.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Overly Bossy Signs - Vol. I

The world is filled with rules and directions, even in places where they are completely unnecessary. Everywhere you look there are signs saying "go here", "don't go there", "use this bathroom", "don't carry explosives in here" and all sorts of other nonsense. I think it's fun to mock stupid instructions. Let's start here, taking the below instance for example:

Why must this sign be placed at the edge of the table? Servers have been using these signs to identify tables and their corresponding orders for decades, are they only effective in a certain position at the edge of an eating surface? I decided to test the validity of this instruction; to challenge the "status quo" by placing this sign in the exact CENTER of our table. Observe below image:

Yes, this may be a risky gamble if you're hungry and need a guarantee that your server won't get confused. But I was feeling a sense of adventure that morning. I'm happy to report that our food arrived without incident. Feel free to experiment with disobeying overly bossy signs on your own and please post your comments here.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The Best Calculator in the World

Everyone can relax now, I've found the answer to that burning question that nags the intellect of mammals everywhere: "What is the best calculator in the world?" Silly you, that calculator is none other than the Texas Instruments TI-1706SV Display Calculator which according to Office Depot has one amazing feature that sets it apart from other models. This unique attribute is eloquently called out in their online copy: "works great for solving math problems". Kindly see below:
Ground breaking. A calculator that is great for solving math problems. It's revolutionary.

The magic doesn't stop there. This amazing calculator not only calculates, but it also DISPLAYS its calculations. It doesn't keep those calculations a secret like those stupid, selfish other "non Display" calculators. It actually shows you all of the amazing things it calculates so that you don't have to remember them in your head. It "displays" them conveniently for you to enjoy.

You see, this thing is great at calculating. It's what it does best. It knows how to do it and it proves it by showing you. If you want something that merely estimates math problems for you, then keep shopping because this isn't it. Perhaps you'd be more interesting in this less superior product:

(click image to enlarge)

Why waste your time with Epinions or any of those silly product review sites. You heard it here...and by my exact estimation this website is really great for displaying text and images in your web browser.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Buying Homes: For the Rich or Stupid?

Yes, the real estate market in our country is completely psycho, especially in Southern California where unless you're a millionaire, you don't deserve to own property. But I ran across a listing that really tipped the scales of absurdity.

Exhibit A: This quaint little cottage. Note: The word quaint in used here as a synonym for "smaller than a dog house". (Is that roof rotting?)

This pile of lumber is on the market for $619,000. And no, I didn't Photoshop that extra zero on the end for laughs. That's Six Hundred and Nineteen Thousand dollars and 00/100 for those of you ready to write the check. You'll also notice that for your money, you'll be enjoying a very spacious 688 square feet. The good news is that you can give people a tour of your home by standing in place and slowly spinning in a circle, right arm extended with your palm facing the ceiling. "Lovely isn't it?" The bad news: You paid $899.71 for that single square foot you'd be rotating on. A standard six foot living room couch would sit on approximately $16,194.78 worth of fine California real estate. At $6.25 per square inch, a letter sized sheet of paper at the same rate would cost you $584.37

The real comedy arrives on the scene when you behold...

Exhibit B: The description of the listing
(click on the image to zoom in on the text)

The first line: "This is a modern turn of the century home."(Ooooohh!) We read on to discover the headlining features of this modern classic. First on the list: "New designer front porch". That's it? That's the #1 selling point? What qualifies as a designer front porch anyway? Is it Armani? Is it Dolce & Gabana two by fours?

Please control your excitement: It has "newer" cabinets in the kitchen. They're not new...they're newer. Newer than what? We don't know. But we know they are newer than something, and that's what's really important. This house is also fully tricked out with the following amenities: a stove, a dishwasher, a garbage disposal. Now that's luxury! Also contained within the four walls are lights that are on dimmer switches! Amazing!

My advice: Move to beautiful San Antonio Texas where you can own this home for $600,000

You'll enjoy 4,728 square feet on 1.19 acres of land. And you'll have $19,000 left over to commute to your job in Los Angeles!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Cool Kids Know How to Punctuate

If you want to learn the correct way to use an apostrophe, you're in the right place. But let's not jump ahead too quickly. Every good lesson about the right way to do something starts with a little mockery of everyone who does it wrong. So let's proceed.

The only thing better than laughing at stupid people is laughing at large groups of stupid people, sometimes called "Corporations". It's funny to see corporations make dumb mistakes, because you know that the mistake was seen by at least 18 levels of management before it reaches us, the lowly consumer, yet still they got it wrong. The example in today's class is the correct use of the apostrophe. This tid bit of useful knowledge seems to have eluded 99.9999999999% of literate people. (And if you're wondering, it eluded 100% of illiterate people--duh.) If you already know how to use the apostrophe correctly, you should go look in the mirror right now and say "congratulations" to yourself. You are among the .00000000001% elite who didn't fall asleep that day in 4th grade English class.

Chuckle #1:

This sign, found at ROSS - Dress for Less, indicates that these DVDs possess something, but what? The DVD's display area? The DVD's department? The DVD's place in your heart? The sign is incomplete! But wait, did they mean to simply state that there are many DVDs to be seen here, otherwise know as PLURAL? Then why is there an apostrophe? One logical answer could be that ROSS is a discount store. They make very little money on the things they sell because they are crappy and defective and must sell them for next to nothing. So they can't afford (boo-hoo) to hire a qualified editorial staff to write correct text for their display signs. So if you aspire to work for Ross in the store visual department, here is what you need to know to put someone out of a job and put yourself in the driver's seat toward corporate success:

Most nouns get an "s" added to them when there are more than one. More than one nugget = nuggets. There are some cases where a noun has its own special version of the word for its plural form, such as "Cities". There's no quicker way to look like an idiot than to write "I went to many citys during my trip." But if you catch someone describing many cars with the word "car's" you have every right to tease them about it.

There are only two instances when one should use apostrophe+s:

1) To indicate the possessive of a noun: The cat's balls. The dog's bone. The president's low approval ratings. Ryan Seacrest's funny hair.. and so on.

(Note: Contrary to popular practice, it is also correct to add apostrophe + s to singular words ending in "s". "Chris's house" should not be "Chris' house" although that is so commonly done that it's accepted in spite of its incorrect use. The truly correct use of the s+apostrophe is only to indicate possession for PLURAL NOUNS. "Players' Union" to indicate the union of many players. "the cows' barn" to describe the place where many cows live, etc.

2) When you are writing a contraction. There's (for "there is"), here's (for "here is"), it's (for "it is").

Note: You should not add apostrophe+s to the word "it" when "it" possesses something. You just write "its" and the word is already possessive. For example: "The dog licks its tush." "It's" is only to be used as a contraction of "it is". (Never mind that "Tush" is probably the goofiest word in the English language.)

There you have it. So simple, yet so impossibly confusing to so many. Among those many:Catherine should be sad that she spent all that money on this big fancy sign for her "plus sizes" store. All she needed to do was shell out an extra few bucks for an apostrophe. But judging from Catherine's attention to detail, she'd probably use the apostrophe like this: "Catherines plus size's". Then her store would need to be egged.

Oh wait, I found Catherine's apostrophe. It was stolen by Han for his beauty store, which you'll notice from the roof of the building, is in the same shopping center as Catherine and her plus sizes. Kudos to Han for using his apostrophe correctly, but I'm afraid he loses all credit for knowing the English language with his wacked spelling of the word "Store". Do not shop here:

Nice try Han. You were so close to being cool. Unless your last name is "Solo" then you're washed up. Don't you know that you can't sell beauty? Stop deceiving people and get a real job.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

I Feel Violated and Used

I've been driving an automobile for roughly 16 years and I figure I'm pretty well versed in all the types of street signs one can come across. I'm sure most of you are as familiar as I am with the street signs that warn drivers that speed bumps are ahead, and depending on your level of maturity and/or intelligence those signs prompt one to slow down and be careful or inspire one to speed up and see if it's possible to actually catch just a little bit of air. (Those geniuses are the reason why there is money to be made in the business of shock and suspension replacements).

Speed bump signs usually say something descriptive like: SPEED BUMP. Or for those neighborhoods where people need clarification on which direction they need to be traveling to heed the warning, you might get: SPEED BUMP AHEAD. (Not to be confused with SPEED BUMP BEHIND, which would be funny.) However, I've never come across this variety which had text which, up until this point, I thought meant something entirely different:

Speed Hump? HUMP?!!?? What happened to BUMP? A speed hump is not something you drive over, it's something you drive home after an uncomfortable silence. (If you're courteous enough). It's something you do if you're late for work, or on your lunch and pressed for time. You might encounter a speed hump in a broom closet, an airplane bathroom, or when stopped at a long red light and you get bored. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S NOT A STREET SIGN!

And why use the word "Speed" in the sign that's trying to get people to slow-the-F down? You get some joker who puts a piece of dried up chewing gum on the sign and half wits all over town mistake it for a comma and read the sign: "SPEED, BUMP" But really who are we kidding? Most don't even look up from their iPods long enough to see those street signs, and when we encounter speed bumps we may go slow over the bump, but then slam the accelerator to the floor to get to the next bump as fast as possible so that our average speed remains the same as if there were no speed bumps.

Speed Hump. Who writes these signs? Probably the same guy who wrote "Brief Case" on that art supply folder. (see archived post "A Briefcase for Morons".

Monday, March 27, 2006

100% Fool Proof Solution for Preventing Door Dings

I have made a discovery that all of humankind can benefit from. This is a technique, if used properly, can prevent your car from ever getting a door ding again. It is without a doubt the best possible remedy known on planet Earth*.

*guarantee not valid on other planets.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

A Briefcase for Morons

I know we live in a world filled with absurdities, but this crosses the line. Who is responsible for this? They need to be found and fired quickly before more stupidity poisons the Earth. There were so many points along the way to the production of this piece of merchandise that this disaster could have been corrected. Did the person who created the print screen to apply this graphic to the item pause for a moment and wonder where his career had gone wrong? How they could have come to join a company who was so clearly retarded? Just think about it: Someone actually sat in an office somewhere scratching their head trying to decide what sort of screen printed graphic should appear on this small case they were producing. Perhaps they were under a tight deadline. A decision had to made by 3:00p or their job was toast and they'd be back working at Hot Dog on a Stick. It was 2:55p and inspiration still had not struck. What we are looking at here was decided upon at 2:59p. Screw it. Just write "Brief Case" on it. The sad part about it is that it's not actually a brief case. It's a soft side folder for carrying art supplies. The only thing more pathetic than this "brief case" is the person who actually buys one. I love it.

50 cents worth of enjoyment

Seeing as most kids these days don't know that the Flintstones are anything more than the name of their vitamins, I suspect that the relevance of this coin operated Dino ride is lost on most kids. They probably think it's Barney, which is probably a great insult to many Hanna-Barbara animators who lie upset in their graves right now.

The funny part about this situation right here is the text written on the base of the ride. Can you make it out? Here's a close up:

The maker of this ride thought maybe little Timmy might not get his 50 cents worth without the proper motivation; without the proper subliminal suggestion that he should enjoy himself while riding Dino. Or perhaps they were just overly polite manufactures of lame disease carrying kiddie rides, genuinely thanking the children for selecting their ride and honestly wishing them enjoyment while they ride.

Personally, I think this ride is entirely too bossy. What if the paying customer does not want the ride to be enjoyed? What then? A refund?

This Elevator is Nasty

I can only assume that the vandal who wrote this intelligent commentary probably did not enjoy their experience riding this elevator. They must have detested it so much that they went through the trouble of taking a Sharpie out of their pocket (or even better: running out and buying one only to return later to make their comment) and very carefully writing "Vomit" over the light. It's funny to think about what might have been going through the vandal's head. Perhaps "This elevator sucks. I hate it. I hate it so much, it reminds me of vomit. This elevator IS vomit. Dammit, where is my pen? I'm going to make sure that the world knows what this elevator is. I'm going to write it on this light, so even at night my message will be backlit for each passenger to enjoy. V-O-M-I-T."