Sunday, May 27, 2007

Park Here - If You Drive a Uni-cycle

It's time to take a stand. It's time for all God fearing Americans to band together and take a stand for a cause that really means something: the fight against abusive public parking garages. We pay them $7.00 to temporarily rent a small piece of their nasty, urine smelling, cement labryth of lies and deception. For the money, I should at least buy the opportunity to park my Iraq-war-supporting Hum-V if I feel like it. Or if I want to put money into the hands of a Saudi Prince and purchase a Ford Explorer, I should be able to park it in public to show what an ass I am and not worry about getting a door ding. But as cars in America grow more giant, parking spaces seem to shrink at an alarming rate. Please take the following evidence as an example of a parking garage's blatent intent to have my vehicular property damaged.

Attention Parking Garage Owners (i.e. thieves): If you insist on stealing money from me, here is a list of things I look for in a parking spot (in no particular order):

1. Ability to open my car door after parking.
2. Doesn't smell like pee.

The parking space in the above photo is approximately 60" wide. Granted, it does say on the ground that the space is for "Small Cars Only", but just how thin do they think they make cars? Even the ultra small Mini Coopers are 78.5" their isn't much chance that any normal sized car will fit here. That's why the people that run these operations are a bunch of no good evil doers, plucking money from people's wallets so persistently you might think they were an oil company.

I say all of this assuming that you're probably not one of the eight people in America who own this little death trap called "Tango", which is only 39" wide.

Sidebar: Doesn't it take two to tango? I thought so. Ironically, this car only seats one person: The driver. Honestly, you might as well drive a unicycle.