Thursday, June 22, 2006

Buying Homes: For the Rich or Stupid?

Yes, the real estate market in our country is completely psycho, especially in Southern California where unless you're a millionaire, you don't deserve to own property. But I ran across a listing that really tipped the scales of absurdity.

Exhibit A: This quaint little cottage. Note: The word quaint in used here as a synonym for "smaller than a dog house". (Is that roof rotting?)

This pile of lumber is on the market for $619,000. And no, I didn't Photoshop that extra zero on the end for laughs. That's Six Hundred and Nineteen Thousand dollars and 00/100 for those of you ready to write the check. You'll also notice that for your money, you'll be enjoying a very spacious 688 square feet. The good news is that you can give people a tour of your home by standing in place and slowly spinning in a circle, right arm extended with your palm facing the ceiling. "Lovely isn't it?" The bad news: You paid $899.71 for that single square foot you'd be rotating on. A standard six foot living room couch would sit on approximately $16,194.78 worth of fine California real estate. At $6.25 per square inch, a letter sized sheet of paper at the same rate would cost you $584.37

The real comedy arrives on the scene when you behold...

Exhibit B: The description of the listing
(click on the image to zoom in on the text)

The first line: "This is a modern turn of the century home."(Ooooohh!) We read on to discover the headlining features of this modern classic. First on the list: "New designer front porch". That's it? That's the #1 selling point? What qualifies as a designer front porch anyway? Is it Armani? Is it Dolce & Gabana two by fours?

Please control your excitement: It has "newer" cabinets in the kitchen. They're not new...they're newer. Newer than what? We don't know. But we know they are newer than something, and that's what's really important. This house is also fully tricked out with the following amenities: a stove, a dishwasher, a garbage disposal. Now that's luxury! Also contained within the four walls are lights that are on dimmer switches! Amazing!

My advice: Move to beautiful San Antonio Texas where you can own this home for $600,000

You'll enjoy 4,728 square feet on 1.19 acres of land. And you'll have $19,000 left over to commute to your job in Los Angeles!