Monday, March 27, 2006

100% Fool Proof Solution for Preventing Door Dings

I have made a discovery that all of humankind can benefit from. This is a technique, if used properly, can prevent your car from ever getting a door ding again. It is without a doubt the best possible remedy known on planet Earth*.

*guarantee not valid on other planets.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

A Briefcase for Morons

I know we live in a world filled with absurdities, but this crosses the line. Who is responsible for this? They need to be found and fired quickly before more stupidity poisons the Earth. There were so many points along the way to the production of this piece of merchandise that this disaster could have been corrected. Did the person who created the print screen to apply this graphic to the item pause for a moment and wonder where his career had gone wrong? How they could have come to join a company who was so clearly retarded? Just think about it: Someone actually sat in an office somewhere scratching their head trying to decide what sort of screen printed graphic should appear on this small case they were producing. Perhaps they were under a tight deadline. A decision had to made by 3:00p or their job was toast and they'd be back working at Hot Dog on a Stick. It was 2:55p and inspiration still had not struck. What we are looking at here was decided upon at 2:59p. Screw it. Just write "Brief Case" on it. The sad part about it is that it's not actually a brief case. It's a soft side folder for carrying art supplies. The only thing more pathetic than this "brief case" is the person who actually buys one. I love it.

50 cents worth of enjoyment

Seeing as most kids these days don't know that the Flintstones are anything more than the name of their vitamins, I suspect that the relevance of this coin operated Dino ride is lost on most kids. They probably think it's Barney, which is probably a great insult to many Hanna-Barbara animators who lie upset in their graves right now.

The funny part about this situation right here is the text written on the base of the ride. Can you make it out? Here's a close up:

The maker of this ride thought maybe little Timmy might not get his 50 cents worth without the proper motivation; without the proper subliminal suggestion that he should enjoy himself while riding Dino. Or perhaps they were just overly polite manufactures of lame disease carrying kiddie rides, genuinely thanking the children for selecting their ride and honestly wishing them enjoyment while they ride.

Personally, I think this ride is entirely too bossy. What if the paying customer does not want the ride to be enjoyed? What then? A refund?

This Elevator is Nasty

I can only assume that the vandal who wrote this intelligent commentary probably did not enjoy their experience riding this elevator. They must have detested it so much that they went through the trouble of taking a Sharpie out of their pocket (or even better: running out and buying one only to return later to make their comment) and very carefully writing "Vomit" over the light. It's funny to think about what might have been going through the vandal's head. Perhaps "This elevator sucks. I hate it. I hate it so much, it reminds me of vomit. This elevator IS vomit. Dammit, where is my pen? I'm going to make sure that the world knows what this elevator is. I'm going to write it on this light, so even at night my message will be backlit for each passenger to enjoy. V-O-M-I-T."