Friday, September 15, 2006

Steven Spielberg Screenwriter Lost at Sea!

I recently published a post titled "Steven Spielberg's Email Address" with the intent of capturing traffic of many ambitious (if not slightly naive) hopefuls who desire to become the Big Man's penpal/internet collaborator. (As if Spielberg has nothing better to do than receive mail from high schools student in Kabul with dreams of penning "E.T. 2 - The Quest for Bin Laden" in which E.T. returns to Earth to use his glowing heart to rid the world of terror and hunt down Osama Bin Laden. But I digress...)

This article has succeeded in its goal to capture and properly make fun of these idealist, so says the traffic statistics that I receive for this blog. The statistics site that I use also has a feature that provides a "hit map" which shows a Google Map of the world and pin points the location on the map for each visit I receive to the website and which article(s) that visitor viewed.

As you can see, this little blog is now a worldwide sensation, receiving hits from Europe, India, Africa, Saudi Arabia and many other places that hate the United States (like Florida for example). (Ah, but they like my that's a start.) I am sure that a book deal must certainly be on the horizon with this sort of global traffic. I'm sure that Steven Spielberg will soon want to make a movie about this website and how great it is. (But again...I steer back to my point.)

Imagine my surprise and concern for human welfare when I discovered the location of this visitor to my site:
This person is clearly several hundred miles off the coast of Africa, yet they had the good sense to visit my website to seek an audience with the great Steven Spielberg. (They must have fantastic wireless service...) What conditions must this poor screenwriter be suffering as they attempt to find a contact email for Mr. Spielberg in their desperate desire to bring their vision to the silver screen before they are greeted by their certain doom, and consumed by the sea. Their message in a bottle is not a cry for help, but rather a gripping sequel to "The Color Purple" (perhaps titled "The Color Purple: Even Purpler") that will solidify their legacy in the world forever.

There is also a very strong chance that it is Brad and Angelina's Noah's Arc-like Yacht attempting to contact Spielberg to negotiate a film deal, as they head back to the states after capturing hundreds of African children, forcing them from their homes and families and intent on subjugated them to a life of paparazzi photos, over-priced boutique children's clothes and an army of nannies the size of Canada's military. (Relax everyone: that's only like 15 nannies).